Looking at this blank page again, dunno how to start.
so many things in my mind, so little things to express out.


today i called him late when im going to sch coz i chatted with my friends on the bus,
and though it was okay to call him once i go down the bus.
of coarse, it was just my imagination and me thinking it was okay.

he made a big fuss about it again, and i hung up angrily.
So after school, once i on the phone i waited for awhile for msgs.
none came.
abit disappointed i called him and acted as if nothing happened.
and of coarse he couldnt do the same and continue fussing about it.

okay fine, so i apologized.
so we went fine for awhile and things started again.
he started talking very rudely to me about the morning matter again,
and many thoughts started to enter my mind at the same time.

Fortunately, god saved me by auto disconnect our phone call.
so i wouldnt need to embarrass myself though the phone itself.
tears started to foam in my eyes, and i had used up my tissues in school,
and somehow a piece of tissue appear in my pocket, save my life again.

He really did changed alot, maybe that feelings goes same for him too.
i cant deny that i didnt.

isn't when two person know eachother more and longer, then they won't love each other as much as before?
the ugly side of them start to show because the rest are just pretense?
because they feel that everything is meant to be?

if its the him last time if i say i want an iphone, he would have at least say ok i buy for you next time.
now, he wont even bother to say and start saying i love to waste money, blah.
if last time i tell him i want to chat with my friends awhile thats why call late, he wouldn't have had that super big reaction, i mean its not like im talking to boys or whatever bad stuffs -o-
recently he also starts to suggest break ups, i don't know what motivates him to, maybe its just me. but i never says it, and he did, not once, but thrice.

is it really my problem?
i tried to be the bad guy and apologise and hong him what..
why am i so selfish? why is he so selfish?
im feeling so unhappy everyday now, theres always something new.
how am i going to spend the rest of my life feeling like this..
suddenly feel like my mother is right for the first time again.

Doraemon ah Doraemon, help me ):
i want last time de me, last time de him, last time de place.
can you give me????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! @@@@@@@@@@@@@

i've lost the ability to blog. -.-

Can't help but to admit that im still living in the past.

i want to have that freedom, i want to have those friends and days back.
it is painful sometimes, but so hard to forget.
the days when im just fooling around in school with weili and gangs,
copying homework together.

that's call life.
what now is totally not life okay.

i totally forget to hand in my eng lit homework before shanghai.
until like days later.
that's stupid, and irresponsible.
and i hand it in before i even see the teacher's comment.
so i just commit the same mistake again
THATS VERY STUPID.


This is just not my country, i had totally no obsession in living here at all.
even after like almost a year.
i prefer that maple illusion life style when i get a whole lot of buddy online talking to me in fm20.
thats time consuming and not bored at all.


i just bought a camera not long ago, and im getting bored of it already.
somehow.
i suddenly feel like im just wasting money on my own desire,
to fulfill some missing piece from me.
i didnt really need it, and now im looking for a better one already.
Like the iPhone 4, and that big camera <:

and my father is happily buying me what i desire,
thats coz he want to fulfill me for what he cannot provide when other father could.
well, i can feel it, i appreciate it.
just not enough. its never enough. neverending stuff that i want, neverending stuff that people invent.
i even think of buying that kind of terrace house next time.

thats just a dream, i know it. an illusion, a fantasy. that will never come true.
i know i know, yet i dont know.

so, i dont know how to please him, when i cant please my deep self.
he is good, nice, very good, very nice.
just a sorry, yet my princess attitude wont allow me to anymore.
i can't find a fault in myself, how to say sorry to others?
although i might just forget about it the next day,
but somehow pride wont let me. such a failure. -........................- sigh